a box he placed at the edge of the table
a small gift he said kindly - it, but only for you
he slid it closer to where she was rested
a fine present he noted, but only for you
realigning his chair he moved it but nearer
a treasure wrapped he added, but only for you
the garland of morning he spoke of as, "lovely"
a prize of beauty he murmured, but only for you
the maid in the parlor ears bent intently
a fair star of distinction, but only for you
the lady sliced a ripe peach to savor its moment
a peach of aged wine my love, but only for you
she called for the cream fresh from the milking
the sweetest cream of the Nile my sweet, but only for you
a dark sight in window swooped down on the morning
I shall save you darling as I live, but only for you
the box never opened but forever remembered
a blue-black raven purloined the gem crying, "only for you"
bkmackenzie
copyrighted 2011
chilling end...the blue black raven...in the second stanza did you mean slid?
ReplyDeletei owe you an email...send it shortly...
thanks Brian....I will look for it...bkm
ReplyDeleteI won't begin to try to to critique the form, but I enjoyed the images and characters here, as well as the haunting refrain that came to a dark flip at the end.
ReplyDeleteI really no nothing about the form except for the d'Verse post...thought I would give it a try...but do not think my thoughts like working with it very much...bkm
ReplyDeleteHi Barbara - There are lots of varieties in the posts I'm reading today. Yours is another one with some deviation from the rules as I read them; but not for me to speak to those. This was hauntingly beautiful and the refrain had that ethereal "nevermore" quality of Poe's RAVEN and interestingly as I thought that a crow snatched the gift and flew away. It made me smile and shiver at the same time. That's a sign of a good piece for me. Thanks for writing and linking today. Gay
ReplyDeleteThis one has such a mysterious feel to it....and I love the repitition and form. Hope you are doing well Bkm, and that you have a lovely weekend. :-)
ReplyDeletedarn ravens. always screwing stuff up.
ReplyDeleteThis has captured the oriental feel to perfection, I like the subtle change from the male to female perspective, and the clever finale.
ReplyDeleteHey
ReplyDeleteThis is a majestic write - i thoroughly enjoyed reading your accomplished words and to reach the final stanza and be fufilled with such a fantastic outro - the blue black raven - marvelous
Arron
This is haunting, beautiful and mysterious. I enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteYes, the raven somehow signals something ominous about to occur. Maybe the husband has been having an affair with the maid and the wife suspects... deep, picture filled.
ReplyDeleteHaunting is the word that first comes to mind, but almost in an obsessive, possessive, creepy way. The pace, the easy flow of the words, the brilliant finish...goosebumps for me, lady! My mind is venturing down so many avenues...sincerely enjoyed this (nothing new round these parts!)
ReplyDeleteWhat an ending. You swooped down and grabbed me up. Excellent write. Had arested my full attention. Luved every word.
ReplyDeleteOhh... this was a sensuous poetic delight, Barbara.. with a thrilling chilling end.. that was a surprise twist... and very well done too!!
ReplyDeleteBut I was draaaaaaaaawn to this one, from start to end.. just like that maid at the door :)
Fantastic write! Your words have a mysterious pull in this poem.
ReplyDeleteCheers
Padmavani
What a marvelous tale!
ReplyDeleteThat first couplet definitely pulled me in to the story here, and you do weave a sad tale. Loved it :)
ReplyDeleteHello.
ReplyDeleteI know Ghazals to be sad & melancholic, but I don't know the specifics of the form.
This was hauntingly beautiful with lots of intrigue at the end.
Great image.
Awesome!
I agree it had a Poe feel to it! Intriguing and dark~ I love this haunted form~
ReplyDeleteVery beautiful and sensuous in the beginning. Chilling end. I like the refrain-' but only for you'.
ReplyDeleteThe Ravi Verma painting goes along well with the poem.
Hi, my feedback is based on these five factors starting from a traditional perspective but also looking at modern developments. Please note, I'm only commenting on the use of the form so other than a gentle nod to your content I keep away from a workshop style critique. I am drawing on Agha Shahid Ali's, chapter from An Exaltation of forms (Ed Finch and Varnes). This is a poem of his based on the traditional rules. http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/172051 Now back on to your poem.
ReplyDelete1) Association
One of the key factors of the form - traditional or modern is that the couplets need to be based as it were on variations on a theme. And stand alone as the order should not matter. These are not standalone but a vivid narrative
2) Theme
The first couplet usually sets out the theme of the poem but this is the first step of a story rather than an introduction to theme
3) Couplets
A nice sequence of couplets but all have an enjambment. Some enjambment occurs in the modern forms but as the exception in the poem rather than the norm, You don't refer to the narrator/writer in the last couplet.
4) Rhyme and refrain
In the classical tradition, the opening couplet would set the refrain and internal rhyme in the first and second line. Then in the rest of the couplets the refrain and internal rhyme would be on the second line. You have a refrain but not internal rhyme chain
5) Metre
I'm not sure what you have gone for as the bests and meter seem to shift from couplet to couplet
In short, you have written a skilful and enjoyable narrative tale with a refrain but not a ghazal.
Aside from all that, may I say bkm, that, as I read this, my mind closed around it so that I was momentarily believing it was "only for me"...seriously, girl...very cleverly thought and written! thank you.
ReplyDeleteBarbara, PEACE!
I really know nothing of the form, so on the poem alone, very interesting! And that naughty raven... stole the gem for his own.
ReplyDeletethe refrain you chose was entrancing and the ending quite a twist!
ReplyDelete