Monday, March 21, 2011

What Riddled God?....Rondel Excerise





What riddled God has lead me here?
The crag I've climbed holds no treasure
What's come to pass is all my fear
My heart bleeds beyond all measure

This lesson I set out to hear?
Glided stone that fools seek pleasure
What riddled God has lead me here?
My heart bleeds beyond all measure

The jester holds my soul to wear
Lost now heading to dreads fissure
No gifts of gems, gone too azure
My bones still have all sin to bear
What riddled God has lead me here?

bkmackenzie
copyrighted 2011

Posted for One Stop Poetry....Rondel Exercise

14 comments:

  1. These lines work beautifully in the rondel form. The rhyming words are lovely, repeatable. I almost begin to feel my own history redeemed in the soft "zh" of these measured treasures.

    Lovely.

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  2. love the questions bk...a nicely rounded rondel..elegant

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  3. ha - i second brian - very elegant piece - as most of your works are - you def. have an elegant voice bkm

    some trouble with the structure here..have a look

    What riddled God has lead me here? (A)
    The crag I've climbed holds no treasure (B)
    What's come to pass is all my fear (b) should rhyme with treasure
    My heart bleeds beyond all measure (a) should rhyme with here

    This lesson I set out to hear? (a)
    Glided stone that fools seek pleasure (b)
    What riddled God has lead me here? (A)
    My heart bleeds beyond all measure (B) here should be your B refrain again


    The jester holds my soul to wear (a) should rhyme with here
    Lost now heading to dreads fissure (b)
    No gifts of gems, gone too azure (b) fissure and azure rhyme - but they should also rhyme with treasure and measure

    My bones still have all sin to bear (a) again - bear and wear rhyme - but should rhyme with here

    What riddled God has lead me here? (A)

    but think it can all be easily fixed - you have a great piece here.

    what do you think: sam peralta will do a public crit on one of the linked up pieces - would you volunteer? i think you're an excellent poet and think it would encourage many people to see that even to good poets it doesn't always come easy and means hard work sometimes.
    so that's just a question - no pressure - let me know what you think

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  4. No problem Claudia go right ahead... Bkm

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  5. I like it very much as a poem, bkm. Your beginning refrain line is compelling, the questioning aspect is a strength, and the emotion is threaded deeply throughout in a very genuine way. I also pushed the rhyme scheme a bit out of shape on mine--I think azure/fissure is brilliant on the tongue, though.

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  6. Bravo BKM. The style is a wee bit daunting, and despite the minor flaws pointed out by Claudia, to the strict rondel style, you have created a lovely piece. Good on you for giving it a go.

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  7. Excellent BKM I loved the"what riddled god has lead me here?"

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  8. This is lyrical and flows beautifully, Barbara, and conveys intense emotion. I love the question: what riddled God has led me here...........and the repetition of "my heart bleeds beyond measure" really works to underline the power of the poem. Beautifully written.

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  9. You are so talented! This is a beautiful, musical poem, with soul and body both! Brava!

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  10. Not qualified to critique this...however I AM qualified enough to tell you I DO DO DO like it. And I respect each comment above. These peeps--and YOU--really know what you're doing!

    Thank you so much for your work, and then for sharing it.

    PEACE!
    Steve E

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  11. I love the refrain - the idea of a riddled God is haunting.

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  12. To my mind, one of your best-crafted poems. Thanks again for allowing the public critique.

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