Monday, March 28, 2011

Heart and Bone - Rondel II





Heart and bone seem move together,
As with first breath pulled us from still.
Does it matter this dubbed free will,
Or bask I as all fair weather?

Mockingbird spares not a feather;
But laughs out words that so would kill.
Heart and bone seem move together,
As with first breath pulled us from still.
 
Held now by clocks worn out tether,
To swallow whole a bitter pill.
The bird cries out now - longer, shrill.
Closed these ears to sound of  nether,
Heart and bone seem move together.

bkmackenzie
copyrighted 2011

Posted for Rondel II excerise.....feel free to critque this one too...appreciate what I am learning here....bkm

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10 comments:

  1. ClaudiaMarch 28, 2011 at 12:34 PM

    oh wow - i love this bkm
    the only line i stumble a bit is
    Or bask I as all fair weather?
    i would think about making it a bit more fluent even if it means adding one syllable (meter is free anyway..)
    maybe:
    Or do I bask as all fair weather?
    but that's just cosmetics - really like your piece - it's great

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  2. CorinnaMarch 28, 2011 at 1:26 PM

    This is a beautiful poem and the way it's written seems to give it a childlike feel (though it is a very mature creation). Thank you.

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  3. BeachannyMarch 28, 2011 at 2:08 PM

    Subtracting "to" before move is an interesting choice and a poetic one I think. Clearly you did not do it for the sake of syllable count or for rhythm as it would have worked with other anapests sprinkled through here. I think you did it to focus your reader as it certainly has that effect. Measuring days by mockingbird songs and worn down clocks is an excellent metaphor. This works and works in a unique way. Thank you. Gay

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  4. hedgewitchMarch 28, 2011 at 2:22 PM

    I really had to work at this one--and my brain kept adding "to's" and changing verb forms...which felt wrong, so that I finally just ended up reading it with mental commas here and there--then it started to have a shape for me. I like the last verse especially.

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  5. Brian MillerMarch 28, 2011 at 2:25 PM

    dang the heart and bone moving together is of itself a great image bk..and you play off it through out...the tether of the clock too...

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  6. Templeton's furyMarch 28, 2011 at 7:05 PM

    love the musicality of this one bkm

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  7. JL DodgeMarch 28, 2011 at 11:41 PM

    Really like this bkm, your flow is wonderful !

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  8. amfMarch 29, 2011 at 4:51 AM

    ..the bird cries out now longer, -shrill,..
    I enjoyed the whole piece, the feel and what is speaks;
    the above line was most loved, for I liked how it
    caused me pause.. wonderful~

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  9. dsMarch 29, 2011 at 7:53 AM

    I love this. Heart and bone move together in so many ways. "Closed these ears to sounds of nether" we can all understand that at times. Beautiful work, bkm.

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  10. robkistnerMarch 30, 2011 at 12:12 AM

    I love the darkness and foreboding nature of this piece -- wonderfully manic, in a Poe-esque sort of way... tasty...! :)

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