Thursday, August 4, 2011

dead things



i drive
Hwy 20 the south
side of the
Sutter Buttes - westward

the road is lined with
nut and peach orchards
empty cornfields, tomato fields - Corriera's boarded up fruit stand
           CLOSED
ahead, i see
there are dead things
all along the two lane road
i see them

black things,
dead things  - they are lying 
in the middle, along the side
ditched things,  deserted dogs
dead things

black things, skunks
bloodied beavers, big black
birds, buzzards half winged and wet in stench

tales in my ear- turn, my right ear - turn
take the river road, it says,  the
river road - just take it, now

my mind is
muddled, mocked to indecision
i mull it over, then again
No, no i can't , i won't take it  - there are ghosts on the
river road, ghosts of old barge men, there are ghosts
of the raped and murdered, ghosts of lost
children longtime drowned - they will stop me,  they always
stop me - they always ask me,

Why do they only see dead things?

driving on west,  i see dead things
black

bkmackenzie
copyrighted 2011



Made some of the changes Luke recommended - thanks Luke for input...bkm
I frequent this hwy every week...along it I always see black things...my mind pictures dead things - from cats to cows - nine times out of ten it is a large piece of black blown tire - a blanket or clothes let or lost ....but until I pass it....my imagination runs amuck....bkm





21 comments:

  1. I do this same thing, riding on the train...

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  2. whew...nice intensity to this...lots of dead things of the road this time of year around here...saw the most amazing 10 point buck though, still alive this morning...

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  3. If there are dead things lying around here--and there are--they are not in the roadway, but in the swamps. It is where animal and bird go to die
    and maybe one day I

    Becoming then a part of that Universe of Whom I frequently speak.

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  4. One day there actually was a cow...that was the weirdest...I prefer dead tires...bkm

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  5. I am certainly no critic, just a humble appreciator of looking at the world through another's eyes, and I always LOVE seeing it through yours! Even when we're talking road kill! (Which makes me blubber like a child whenever I come upon it) :)

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  6. hello, my name is michael and im hooked on bkm. i read these everyday and dont plan on stopping because i can stop the very minute i want to.

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  7. Your piece does bring up a topic most country drivers deal with on a daily basis. It brings the reader into deep thought regarding death and life. Death is a harsh reality. Perhaps, the word "i" is overused. Some changes could make this wonderful read even better.

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  8. Even if I didn't know Hwy. 20, I can visualize what you are experiencing. You've done a very effective job of word-painting Barbara. Someone could pick up a paint brush, some oils and a canvas and reproduce it.

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  9. What I really like about this piece is the onward, propulsive thought-process as a kind of continual monologue making much use of alliteration e.g. 'bloodied beavers, big black birds' etc) and repetition ('dead things' in particular really gets me). Your use of proper nouns make the Narrative more interesting too - specifying the Highway, Sutter Buttes, Corriera's. Your closure is also very strong and emotive, almost haunting -

    driving on west, i see dead things
    black

    I think though that you sometimes overuse the repetition device (and over-alliterate too in places); there are other areas that feel unnecessary and strippable, and in one or two places I think you are straight telling this rather than showing by way of visual poetic devices/trope (metaphor/simile/personification etc etc). I realise you have something of a true Narrative here, ir a story with beginning, middle and end, but even so.


    i drive
    [along] Hwy 20 [along] the >two instances of 'along' in one line. Neither needed.

    south side of the
    Sutter Buttes - westward

    the road [is] lined with
    nut and peach orchards
    empty cornfields, tomato fields - Corriera's boarded up fruit stand
    CLOSED >excellent descriptive passages here
    i look ahead, i see
    there are dead things
    all along the two lane road
    [i see them] >too much on the rep. in my humble opinion

    black things,
    dead things - i see them lying
    in the middle, along the side
    ditched things, deserted dogs
    dead things >love this stanza, teh rep. and allit. is fab

    black things, skunks
    bloodied beavers, big black
    birds, buzzards half winged; [and] wet in stench >'buzzards' perhaps one too many 'b's but great poetry here

    fear overtakes me >is there a way you could show your fear rather than telling it straight like this?

    tales in my ear- turn, my right ear - turn
    take the river road, it says, the
    river road - just take it, now >hypnotic repetition.. love that

    my mind is
    muddled, mocked to indecision
    i mull it over, [then over] >'then' at least is too much for me
    then again
    No, no i can't , i won't take it - there are ghosts on the
    river road, ghosts of old barge men, there are ghosts
    of the raped and murdered, ghosts of lost
    children [longtime drowned] - they will stop me, they stop me, they always
    stop me - they always ask me, [Why? Why?]

    >do you need the 'drowned' detail? It's so think with horrific stuff there I almost switched off with overload. It felt like one thing too many. Also the 'Why? Why' feels redundant as the next line, and what comes before it, are asking that, no? 'Why' is a hard one to get away with in poetry, such has been its overuse. A single instance in the right place may be fine, several uses I find difficult.

    Why do they only see dead things?

    driving on west, i see dead things
    black >great closure

    Very strong piece, like it immensely. Haunting, compulsive, intriguing. The crit is all just suggestion to be taken or left as you feel appropriate of course :)

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  10. I read how Luke scrutinized your piece of poetry and it had been strong for me.Liked it

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  11. Cor Blimey!
    this made my palms sweat and pulse race.
    a real thrill ride - with great language economy and distinctive delivery.

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  12. So evocative and ghost-story real. As I read it, I saw it. You achieved greatness in that. The only stumbling spot for me was:
    "they will stop me, they stop me, they always
    stop me - they always ask me, Why? Why?
    Why do they only see dead things?"

    I would condense this, reduce the repetition, for strength over volume. Other than that, mastery.

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  13. *shiver*

    wow! i especially liked the convo with yourself.

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  14. Great poem!IMHO Luke has done an excellent editorial job for you. Instead of 'fear overtakes me' you could refer to noise in your ears. Or cut the line altogether - it doesn't add anything in my opinion because the following lines convey a sense of fear really effectively. I really enjoyed this poem!

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  15. thanks everyone for taking the time to critic this poem...Luke especially you are right about some of the repeats that can be axed here...the reason for the repeated asking why ...was that (which I much have not conveyed strong enough for one to comment ...is that the narrator of this piece - is dead himself...and that is why the people at the river see him, etc..no one at the fruit stand...so thanks all I will revisit and make a few changes...bkm

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  16. Long ago I once saw a deer while traveling with my family, dad got out thinking it was dead and it moved, scared us silly

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  17. It is strange how that is sometimes....strong ending.

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  18. This has the same intensity I always appreciate about your work. I have to say I love this. Beautifully eerie :)

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  19. I have nothing to say except I like it just the way it is. = )

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  20. When I see dead things on the road, I always think of the lines from a poem of Aase Lilleskare Faugstad, "released and unharmed, from the cage that held it bound." Of course it doesn't make it OK, but helps. I am always saddened. Roads are dangerous for wildlife.

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  21. Such a powerful, haunting piece. We have a stand that has remained closed as of yet this year... and we wonder. Fire blazed through its hearth about 4 years ago... we keep wondering and I see its path each time I pass as it rests closed longer into the season, though it had been open over the last couple years.

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